Being a Working Mother

My dearest Colette, I feel the need to write to you now, while I am at work, to tell you how much I love you and how I wish I didn't have to be here but could be at home, cuddling you in my arms... It is 4:02am on Thursday, August 22nd, 2013. I am halfway through my second night back to work at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital, Ann Arbor on 7 East, cardiac progressive care. I got this job back in December, already aware of you inside of me. I never imagined myself being a working mother. In fact, I detested the thought of any woman leaving her child. However, due to your dad's current work situation and a heap of college loans, I have been forced to do what I would never have imagined myself doing. Work. It is such a struggle, a struggle that only I can understand. Due to the culture, and a belief that two incomes is necessary for a family to survive, everyone around me is telling me it will be okay. Each has their own reasons for working, but it seems that almost all the women in my life are working mothers. But why must it be my fate? I love you and never want you out of my site. I am ridden with guilt and need you to know how terribly painful every moment away from you is. It is such a blessing that I work night shift. I have so much peace leaving you in the care of your dad. He loves you so much and I am so glad that you get to have this special time together. I am still so afraid though, that you will be in someway altered by not having me around. I pray that you don't feel alone or abandoned. You are my greatest treasure and I love every moment with you. I am angry at the so many mothers I know of that work although they don't need to, the mothers who don't work but still hire babysitters all the time or put their children in daycare so they can live their selfish lives, the mothers who don't realize how short and precious this life, your life, is. You are my joy. Please forgive me for leaving you.

Holland, MI

Well, the annual family vacation to Holland, MI has begun. Lots of new things this year, but still many traditions remain. Among the new: Colette! Three summers ago, Adam and I were not dating but he came as a friend, two summers ago-he proposed, last summer we had just finished our honeymoon, this summer we have our precious baby girl.

Also among the new, my parents rented the cottage for a full two weeks! Although we all can't stay for the entire time, it adds a new element to the experience. We all arrived two days ago on Saturday. That evening Adam and I schooled Miriam and Nate at a game of Eucher. Colette decided to sleep through the night, so we were refreshed for mass Sunday morn! Afterwards we enjoyed some "donies" and came home and had lunch before heading to the beach! It was windy but full of sunshine and Nana & Uncle Brian joined us. Colette proceeded to spend her entire first day at the beach sleeping-in my arms, Miriam's arms, Nana's arms, and her beach tent!

Daddy had to leave Sunday night, but returned Tuesday evening and stayed through the following Sunday!  Colette experienced her first campfire, complete with some s'mores (got the leftovers in the breastmilk!) and hot chocolate made over the fire,  she went to Sluggo's for hawaiian ice (mom got Tiger's blood, margarita, and blue raspberry!), had privvy playtime with the Everts cousins in the kid's upstairs room, walked to the pier, discovered her hands ( and her love of sucking them), put her toes in the sand and surf, spent many evenings getting ice cream at the general store and was held by many visitors including the Michons, Burns, Willsons, Bruce Everts, and the Grosses. She went to her first sunset on Lake Michigan, watched her cousins fish, went for a hike, had breakfast on the campfire, made fruit and chocolate waffle cones in the fire and stayed up late for lots of game nights!
She even participated in the talent show during which two years prior her daddy proposed!

After fifteen years of attendance, Holland has lost none of its charm and has increased in its sentimental value that is for sure. Nothing can take the place of a week in the sand and sun, surrounded by a family you love, filled with laughs, food, fun and centered on the Lord. We look forward to many more summers spent there, and for our family to continue to grow each year.

Personality

Everyone I have encountered over the past six weeks (since Colette was born) has told me one thing: "Enjoy these moments, it goes by so fast". Assuming that they are correct, which I am sure they are, I want to make sure I am fully present in each moment in and of itself, and that I take the time (while you nap) to jot (or type) such moments down. One particular thing I don't want to forget is the elements of your personality that have already begun to surface at such an early age. It is incredible that at so young you already are an entire entity unto yourself and have so many unique pieces that together make up an irreplaceable, irrepeatable YOU.

Serious: Although you began flashing smiles at about 4 weeks old, they were slow to come. Your smiles take effort on your part (at first it would take you a few seconds to form one!),  and a lot of coaxing on your parents part! The one place we guarantee a smile is if we lay you on the bed and put our face right in front of you and talk to you, other than that you are a very stoic baby!

Easily bored: Since you were fresh out of the womb you have been very obvious in your distaste for just being. Never content for longer than ten minutes, you have your dad and I constantly changing positions, walking to new rooms, and doing all but stand on our heads to keep you occupied.

Nosey: While most newborns are inclined to sleep all day, you have been wide awake and curious of the world around you since the day you were born. You always want to be facing out and looking around at everything!

While those are the most outstanding of your infantile traits, there remain many smaller but still significant characteristics that make up who you are. You love being talked to-both your pediatricians commented on this during your doctor's appointments. As soon as we put our face to yours and speak to you, you quiet and start flapping your arms and legs like you're going to fly away! You're gassy-just like your parents. We love watching you fart because half the time you have no facial expression and all we hear is loud noises coming from your bum! Unless you're sleeping you're not a fan of being snuggled, but you like to be free. As you've gotten to the two-month mark, you have become very responsive to laughter. When your dad or I get to laughing, you notice, smile, and sometimes bring out a chuckle of your own! We cannot get enough of your cooing- "hoooooh, hooooh!"

I just sit and stare at you all day. You are such an incredibly amazing bundle of so much! You are such a gift and an irrepeatable blessing in our lives!