Am I in or just playing Church?

So yesterday was the first day of our Vicariate Mission for Livingston County. Lucky for us, the host parish is our dear St. Pat's standing at barely five minutes from our home. Also lucky for us, the parish is providing childcare. The following three nights I'll get to partake in some great talks without the distraction of my wild child! The speaker is Deacon Poyo (From FUS!) and oh my goodness, he is a talented speaker. The topic last night concerned focusing in on "faith" rather than following rules. Among other things, he spoke of the need not to do good so as to get to heaven but rather to do good merely as an after effect of one's being so deeply in love with God and in relationship with Him. Adam and I both took a lot out of the talk, but as I have been puttering through my day, I find that that thought has been overtaking mine. Do I do good merely for a Heavenly reward? Can I say I have a personal relationship with Jesus? I can, ashamedly and confidently admit that I do not. I haven't given everything over to him, I know that for sure. The deacon ultimately ended the first talk with an analogy. He told the story of the man who walked across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. He gathered quite the crowd as he did the walk over several times, each time making it more difficult with some new obstacle. He walked across it pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks. Everyone cheered him on-thousands screamed his name. Lastly he said he would walk across with a person in the wheelbarrow. Everyone cheered until he asked for a volunteer. No one spoke. God is asking us to get into His wheelbarrow, to surrender everything and trust that He'll get us to the other side. Yes, this is an awesome analogy, but it wasn't this that hit me so much as what Dcn. Poyo said next. He gave examples of the different people and different levels of trust and faith in God each one has. I knew when I heard mine: I put one foot in the wheelbarrow. God starts pushing and I yell at him "stop! I'll lose my footing and fall!" This. Is. Me. I think I'm doing what God is asking. I bend the rules just enough so that I'm "in the wheelbarrow". But I'm not giving God everything. I'm holding things back. Once in a while, I venture enough to jump all in into the wheelbarrow, but I jump right back out after just a moment. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. There is no way I can lead my family to the Lord if I'm not all in myself. If I can't trust Him, how can I teach my daughters to? I'm so scared. I have no idea how I am supposed to surrender. It is something I have tried to do before. And I've failed at it a million times. But its not just me anymore that I have to worry about. At the moment of their conception, both my girls began living in eternity. How can I convince them of the truth that this time on earth is but a moment? How can I foster in them a desire for and an understanding of a relationship with God? Lord, show me how. Convince me. Show me how You love me. Set afire in me a flame burning for You and You alone. I know I have everything backwards. I know I can do nothing on my own. But I know I can do all things through You. Lead me Lord. Lead my family.

Another happy girl!

Happy girl