time

Almost nine months. Almost two years. Almost three years. Almost seven years. Almost twenty-five years. Maelyn. Colette. Marriage. Knowing Adam. Being alive. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by. Where has it gone? What do I hav to show for it. Have I been there in the midst of it? I don't want to miss anymore of it. I want to make every second count. How do I? What is time well spent? Is it in the pursuit of financial gain? The attempt to make a difference in the world? If so, in what way? There are so many ways to make a difference, how do I know what is right for me, for my family? Yet, as time marches on, if I do not decide, that time is lost and no one is helped. What about adventures, life experiences? Is my attempt at frugality, my fear of the unknown holding me back from those? What about loving others... I feel that with every step I take towards loving others, I take another step back due to my own selfishness and insecurity. My life seems to be composed of moments of boredom opposing moments of fast insanity. I am either running around like a mad woman, or finding my mind to be a blank slate when I finally have a moment to enter in. Moments, moments, moments. All there is. Time has gone by and where are the moments? With even the greatest ones, I find my memory fleeting. Too much time passes, too litte documentation of significant, simple seconds happens. Colette crawling, walking, talking, running. Maelyn growing, cooing, eating, laughing. I told myself I would document each one, if for nothing else but my own benefit. They are getting so big, and will continue on growing at a seemingly faster rate. Life is too much. It is too much! Too much beauty, too much sadness, too much joy, too many opinions, too much hatred, too much war, too much knowledge. I simply cannot know and experience everything in this world, and that limitation feels so crippling. I feel so drowned in the weight of so much I find myself unable to sift through it all in even the simplest way to pursue what I can. God help me. Help me love. Help me live. Help me experienc. Help me give. Help me know. Help me BE.