Put yourself in the way of beauty

Wild-a movie I could've easily lived without seeing. The secular culture's version of a "deep, moving, down to earth film" was to me a depressing, disturbing and not quite resolved one but I got one thing from it- Reese Witherspoon's character saying that line that her mom had said; "Every day there is a sunrise and a sunset, put yourself in the way of beauty". In my scattered moments of melancholy that arise in my day to day life, it is words such as these that move me. After a twelve hour shift all night, seeing the sunrise reminds me that there is more than me, than this world. Pure Gift those moments, pure gift.

Bad Mom!

Well ladies, I'm a bad mom. I break the rules. Here you are enjoying a little "Daniel Tiger" on a Saturday afternoon. Should I have let you? Probably not. Do I let you watch TV often? NO, not in the least. But does mom need a little break every once in a while? YES. I love you little cuties so much and honestly it brings me so much joy to break the rules for you because I get to watch the looks on your tiny faces when I do. What a gift to see that you realize it is a "treat". What a blessing it is that I can provide little things to make you happy. Thank you for being excited for your "treats", I hope I raise you to always be grateful for the little things.

Dear daughters, I'm sorry.

Dearest Colette and Sweet Maelyn, This past Friday something happened. Gay marriage was legalized throughout our nation. While the world tells us this is good and normal, I am here to tell you that it is not. And that I am sorry. I am sorry that you are going to grow up in a world that confuses you. You are going to live in a world where it is near impossible to discern what is true, or even if there is truth. But there is. This world is not a bad place, there is a lot of darkness, but there are also pockets of light and I hope you find them. I wish life were simple. I wish there were just men loving women and women loving men, but this place is not as black and white as we would like it to be. With the addition of the LGBT population we meet a mountain of confusion. On top of that is the reality of the brokenness of so many relationships, whether between a man and a woman or not-divorce, abuse, neglect, poverty, addiction. There are so many other things that can get lost in those larger issues-complacency, lack of communication between spouses, self-absorption, laziness, selfishness, greed, not saying "I love you" to name a few. I don't want to tell you how to think. I want to teach you how to think for yourselves-to be able to see truth. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, and I know that you are already learning so much from me that I better figure it out soon. But my sweet girls, I pray that you know truth. I'm sorry that this world doesn't. Know truth. It exists. And it is good.

Beach Day

Things have been hectic over here. We're doing everything we can to move into the new house as soon as possible. Adam has been over there every second he hasn't been at work and has amazed me by his skill in fixing up the house. I mean, I know he fixes houses for a living, but seeing him transform our own home is just eye-opening. I appreciate him so much through all of this. He has had such determination and perseverance. I, on the other hand, can do nothing. All I want to do is paint, or move boxes, or something that makes me feel like I'm contributing. Yet, here I am, changing poopy diapers and making dinners as per usual. I am having the hardest time trying to pack up the house. The girls just don't give me a free moment. Colette's room especially has been a chore since she is sleeping in it whenever I have a moment to pack it! Needless to say, I've been stressed, and the girls have definitely been sensing it, so today I decided to take a bit of an "off" day and whisk the ladies to the beach. It is such a blessing living less than ten minutes away from Island Lake (one of the things I'll miss most when we move).

New house!

Here we are the new house . were slowly moving and eating our first breakfast together!

Spring is in the air

Well, that's an original title isn't it? My goodness though, it is a true statement if ever there was one. Time has been flying by and in the past two weeks we have gone from snow, to rain, to tomorrow at a high of 85! We are already five months into the year which is blowing my mind. Maelyn is officially nine months old, we've celebrated Easter, we're about to celebrate Mother's day, we've taken trips to the Imagination Station and Island Lake, and we bought a house! God is soooo good. I haven't been posting much and I feel as if the little I've posted has been the babble of my stream of melancholic thoughts rather than the joyful spring that is my family, and the blessing they are.

Adam-oh I am so proud and so aggravated with my spouse-as always. He is so stubborn and spontaneous, but so loving and spontaneous! Adam, you are a man full of surprises and I love you. I can't wait to move into our new home together and make it our own. Okay, let's be honest, I don't have a lot to write about you. It's not like you've accomplished some new milestone or done something really cute I've snapped a photo of. But I LOVE YOU anways :)

Colette- Wow, girl, you're crazy. I love you so much. My emotions for you are a tangle of love, anger, frustration, fascination, pride and wonder. I don't understand why you do the things you do. I wish dearly I could see how your mind works. You've gotten really into climbing lately. You get the stepping stool from the bathroom and use it very creatively from climbing into your sister's crib to standing on it so you can play the djembe! Your temper tantrums continue and mommy transitions quickly from listening to parenting CDs (every freaking one in the library!) to yelling at you in frustration and having to apologize. You love to read- you call books "gawks" and would sit and let me read to you all day. Sometimes we do read all day. I look forward to the times when Maelyn is napping and you let me envelope you on my lap while I read to you.

Mae-Mae-Crazy how as I write each of you and your sister's names, from deep within me wells up this love for you that I just can't control. You, little girl have been giving me a run for my money lately. You used to be the perfect one-what happened?! I think you're teething, or growing, or just wanting to move or something because you've become a bit of a fuss-bucket. With six teeth you have torn deep into mommy's milk-makers to the point that my pumped milk looked like it was strawberry flavored! You think it is hilarious too!! You need to crawl girl. You are nine months old and you're barely rolling over you little fatso! I can tell you want to move so badly. You eat everything in site. (so different from Colette). I love my time alone with you too. I love tickling you and hearing your raspy little smoker's laugh. I love snuggling your roly-poly little body. You are so pretty-pretty.

Best of all is seeing the two of you, the three of you, together. Last week we were driving to a friend's house for dinner and now in the minivan the two of you face each other. I don't know what happened but Colette did something that made Maelyn burst out laughing. That made Colette laugh, and then the two of you just laughed and laughed back and forth. We bought a bike cart and took you in it to Ritter's. Kept hearing Colette yell "MaeMae" until Maelyn started crying. We stopped and looked in- Maelyn had a huge bitemark on her hand, and Colette had one on her arm. I can't wait to see what your relationship as sisters holds.

I love you my family. Each one of you is so very special to me, and as I approach this Mother's Day, I am so grateful to be your mom, and your wife. Blessed.

time

Almost nine months. Almost two years. Almost three years. Almost seven years. Almost twenty-five years. Maelyn. Colette. Marriage. Knowing Adam. Being alive. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by. Where has it gone? What do I hav to show for it. Have I been there in the midst of it? I don't want to miss anymore of it. I want to make every second count. How do I? What is time well spent? Is it in the pursuit of financial gain? The attempt to make a difference in the world? If so, in what way? There are so many ways to make a difference, how do I know what is right for me, for my family? Yet, as time marches on, if I do not decide, that time is lost and no one is helped. What about adventures, life experiences? Is my attempt at frugality, my fear of the unknown holding me back from those? What about loving others... I feel that with every step I take towards loving others, I take another step back due to my own selfishness and insecurity. My life seems to be composed of moments of boredom opposing moments of fast insanity. I am either running around like a mad woman, or finding my mind to be a blank slate when I finally have a moment to enter in. Moments, moments, moments. All there is. Time has gone by and where are the moments? With even the greatest ones, I find my memory fleeting. Too much time passes, too litte documentation of significant, simple seconds happens. Colette crawling, walking, talking, running. Maelyn growing, cooing, eating, laughing. I told myself I would document each one, if for nothing else but my own benefit. They are getting so big, and will continue on growing at a seemingly faster rate. Life is too much. It is too much! Too much beauty, too much sadness, too much joy, too many opinions, too much hatred, too much war, too much knowledge. I simply cannot know and experience everything in this world, and that limitation feels so crippling. I feel so drowned in the weight of so much I find myself unable to sift through it all in even the simplest way to pursue what I can. God help me. Help me love. Help me live. Help me experienc. Help me give. Help me know. Help me BE.